In Between

I didn't enjoy playing musical chairs as a kid. I'm sure I put on a good show, but deep down it was stressful, and I didn't have fun. In fact, it was more fun after I lost because I could relax, sit on the sidelines and watch the remaining kids fight for the last chair. Though I'd lost, I didn't care because the feelings of anxiety and embarrassment were over.

I'm turning thirty-six this year and, like many women in my generation, I'm still single. Like many singles, I spend a lot of time thinking about my single-ness. With all of this thinking, I've curated a few metaphors that capture the emotional rollercoaster of single-ness, but none quite like the memory I described earlier.

I'd Rather Have a 'No'

Rather than go round after round, almost certain I wouldn't triumph, I'd rather lose and be done. Why waste the time and stress when I'm so sure I won't win anyway? The benefits never seem to outweigh the costs. Sometimes dating takes on the same rhythm. I think, why bother? I'm going through the motions and all the stress when it probably won't lead to a second date. Or, why bother approaching him when it's likely another woman has already "scooped him up". When you're twenty-five, these experiences don't get to you, but when you're thirty-five? They're discouraging at best.

For years I would use anything as an excuse to keep hoping. I would have long conversations with friends, being encouraged by their words and prayers for me. I would see movies or shows where the protagonist was on the cusp of forty and just when she gave up hope - BAM! She found her "person". I would comfort myself by thinking that had to be how it would happen. I would listen to stories from friends and family about a coworker or someone at church who prayed for a spouse for years before God finally answered. The punchline was always something like, "Turns out, he was in the middle of a divorce when she was praying." or "Turns out, her husband was a new Christian and had only been a believer for a year.". That MUST be how it happens, I would reason with myself. These things would sustain me for weeks, months even, though I would always end up back where I started: alone and anxious.

The reason why these stories and conversations can leave us singles with a sugar crash is because it's not an answer. There's no real relief. While I've recently committed to continue praying for a husband, some days I long to hear God say "No". Because even a "No" is an answer. A "No" rules out things like an engagement, a wedding, and children. Much like the game of musical chairs - a "No" means I can relax and accept what is. Right now, a "No" would mean I could finally grieve the life I thought I would have. Without it, I'm in an in-between place that sometimes feels like limbo.

No Place at the Table

It's this "in between" that churches seem to struggle with as well. The Christian church has reliably provided bible study groups, catechism courses, and support groups for all kinds of life stages and seasons. There's always a men or women's group that meets throughout the week. A prayer group your grandma would never miss. There may even be support groups for those struggling with an addiction. Sometimes, there's even a young adult group - whatever that means. Side note: I was once invited to a young adult group at the age of 32 and candidly asked the leader if one could be considered a young adult in their thirties. I received an awkward silence.

However, I rarely hear about churches tending to those who are "in-between", those adults who still desire to be married, but aren't. I don't blame them. Until recently, we've been a minority. However, as the culture has shifted, it's left many of us, me included, left out and feeling as if there's no place for us at the table. While churches should promote the traditional paradigm, I wish they'd recognize that there are an increasing number of us that don't fit into it and thus no longer feel like we're a part of the church at all. I sometimes wonder if that's why I don't see many singles in the church - they've left. Statistics seem to support this as well.

Each Sunday there are prayer concerns for those who are engaged, newly married, or for those who are expecting mothers. Every other sermon seems to incorporate an anecdote related to marriage or raising children. I understand that pastors must speak to the common denominator to help relate a topic to their listener. However, these only serve as reminders that singles aren't like the rest of the church. We're in between. I think that's why I struggle to attend each week. In addition to the lack of community for singles, I feel like no one is praying for me and no one is speaking to me. I feel like someone who's showed up to a party they weren't invited to. There's no place at the table for me.

I'm also aware that church isn't only for me. Pastor and author Tim Challies gently reminds his readers of this in his short article, 'It's Not About You (And That Is Good News)': "As we begin a new week, we proclaim that we’ve been born again into a whole new life, a whole new kind of life, that is oriented toward bringing glory to God."

When we gather together, it's a time to proclaim who we are in Christ as believers and recognize that we have a new life with our focus on bringing glory to our Creator and Redeemer. Upon reading Challies' words, I struggled to reconcile my own experience with the truth of what he was saying. I know the Church doesn't exist to cater to me personally, however it was hard to dismiss feeling invisible over the years. I then realized both ideas can exist at once. There can be a Church that struggles to support a subset of its members during a challenging season and yet we should remember that the Church's ultimate goal is for its members to bring glory to God. the question is: how can the Church help singles use their season to best glorify God?

I don't like to complain without offering some possible solutions, though. One idea I've had is that churches could connect with other churches in their area or denomination and have events centered around singles. This could be as simple as a Bible study, or activities that bring glory to God that single men and women are a perfect fit for - activities that married men and women couldn't do as easily. Some ideas range from having meals together or movie nights with old black and white films to volunteering or street evangelism. As a firm believer in prayer, I love when others tell me they're praying for and think that churches should expand their prayer list to include us. (I recognize that some churches may already be doing this). In general, I think members of a church should remember that we singles rely on them to keep their eyes out for a potential match. Don't get me wrong, I've been on some less than stellar dates at the recommendation of fellow church members, however it's one more date than I otherwise would've had.

Looking in the Mirror

Now, I'm not absolving myself or my fellow singles of responsibility in this season. I think that while we wait for the answer to our prayer we need to learn to wait well. This means learning to steward the time we've been given wisely, and using every opportunity to serve God in the season we're in. This means looking for or recognizing the opportunities in front of us that those who are married haven't been given. I sometimes hear my coworkers talk about their evening plans and I realize just how much freedom I have. I can linger after work to listen to a frustrated coworker, offering encouragement. I can spend an hour talking to the Mormon missionaries at my door. I can spend half the evening studying the Bible without interruption. We simply have more freedom to use our time doing kingdom work.

While I sometimes wonder how my physical appearance hinders my prospects, there's no doubt in my mind that my spiritual state could be hindering my efforts. Sometimes my spiritual walk (or lack thereof) keeps me in habits I know wouldn't serve a godly spouse. I can be undisciplined and let daily chores accumulate. As an introvert, my desire for solitude can become selfish when I neglect family or friends. Even my knowledge on certain subjects is abused at times and used for showmanship to serve my own pride. None of these habits are conducive to a spirit-filled, Christ-centered marriage. It's the duty of singles to prepare themselves by asking God to reveal those habits that are not compatible in the relationship they desire and then ask for help in rectifying them. In the Bible we're asked to die to self (Luke 9:23, Romans 6:6), and this season is no exception.

We singles must also learn to trust Him, even when He is 'silent'. Instead of measuring God's faithfulness against our very subjective feelings, it's important we recognize who God is and isn't. Though He loves us enough to sacrifice His own son for us, that doesn't mean He's going to grant us every wish. Thankfully, it's because of his deep love for us that He doesn't give us everything we want. Can you imagine? Every whim and half-baked desire coming to fruition? Haven't we all looked back to a time and said, "Thank God"? I know all of this has been said before, but it bears repeating that our feelings and desires are very whimsical, very fleeting, and I often praise God that he overlooks those half-baked prayers and gives me exactly what I need. I'm thankful that He alone is sovereign.

Finally Dear Singles

Finally, as singles it's good to remember that this life isn't the final stop in our journey. Though it can sometimes feel as though it will last forever, we're truly only here for a little while in light of eternity. Someday, this pain and uncertainty will come to an end because we will be reunited with Christ. One verse I find a great comfort in these days is written by the apostle Paul:

" For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

The deep hurt and longing for a spouse - or even an answer - doesn't compare to the glory that awaits us. When we reach the end of our days we will look back and realize that it wasn't checking all the boxes that mattered at all, that there were far greater things prepared for us where our real home is.

"But just as it is written, 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no heart has imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him.'" 1 Corinthians 2:9

I remind myself that in the midst of my suffering, I can rest and trust in the promises of God. When I was younger, I thought I'd truly drawn the short straw in life. "This is it?" I'd think to myself, bitter that the only thing I had left to hope for was on the other side of heaven. How short-sighted. The words of Paul make it clear. "Not worthy to be compared". When we Christians think about the life that lies ahead in heaven, we can smile and bear any suffering because it simply won't compare. It won't be worthy to be compared. This world falls short in any season of life. Though it may no pan out how we'd hoped it would, we can relax knowing that it won't compare to what lies ahead of us in eternity. So trust in Him.