Thoughts From the Waiting Room

I should be excited. I should be grateful. I should be happy.

I bought a house in 2016 when starter homes were still under $200K. I successfully changed careers in my late twenties without ever taking on any student loans. I'm now a manager at a successful retail company in my hometown with a good salary. My

immediate family is ten minutes down the road. I go to a solid church where the gospel is taught regularly. I live in a conservative state and rarely feel unsafe. We're heading into Fall and the cooler temps feel great. The future has limitless possibilities for me...So why can't I just be happy?

Don't get me wrong - most of the time, I am.

But sometimes it hits me - and it hurts: I've trusted God with so much in my life and time after time He has shown me that He is trustworthy. He's faithful. But sometimes I'm haunted by my singleness and wonder why - of all things - God has chosen not to give me this. This is the ONE thing I never imagined wouldn't be a part of my life's journey. Growing up I had no clue what I wanted to be. I picked culinary school my junior year simply because it was the only thing I loved enough to go to school for. Four years of college seemed pointless if I didn't have a specific profession in mind. I also had no idea where I wanted to live. I hadn't traveled at all until my twenties so I knew that I could end up anywhere. There was so many question marks in my teenage years and early twenties, but I figured I'd at least be a wife and mother. It was assumed unless I chose not to be married.

And here I am. 36 and single.

On a rational level, of course I know why God has not given me a husband. Psalm 84 says that He doesn't withhold a good thing from those who walk blamelessly (those who are in Christ) and Paul teaches in Romans that for those who love God all things work together for good (Roman 8:28) continuing on to say that he didn't even spare His own Son but delivered Him over for us all (Romans 8:32). However, I find myself trying to reconcile (and failing) two ideas: 1) That marriage & children are good things and 2) I don't have them, so God has deemed them not good for me. How can these be good things, but not be good things for me?

I got an email this weekend from my boss: he was notifying me that his wife had given birth to their second child. He had been working from home Thursday, and I knew they would be going into the hospital to induce that Friday. However, the short announcement hit me like a brick in the chest. I responded with a generic congratulatory response, but I was nursing bitterness in my heart as I pressed "Send". Why can't I be happy for them and go about my day? Why can't I be thankful for all the wonderful blessings God has given me? Because these days it's another reminder of what I don't have and what I feel God is withholding from me and if I'm being really honest: The reason He's given in His word just doesn't suffice.

...And we're right back in the Garden of Eden, aren't we? Just as I was typing the thought popped into my head. (That happens when you've been a Christian long enough). I'm sure Eve felt as though God was withholding from her when He commanded her not to eat of the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. She was allowed to have anything from the garden except that ONE fruit. Why? Because it would bring not just a physical death but a spiritual one. Separation from God. God had her good in mind.

But isn't marriage good? Isn't two Christians getting married and having children good? Isn't that more sanctifying, more glorifying than being single? I'm not saying singles can't glorify God or that God doesn't use single people, but wouldn't I be of better use as a wife and mother? Doesn't the world need more Christian marriages and Christian families?

It's these kinds of thoughts that drive me crazy.

I try to comfort myself with the fact that I'm still 36 - not even 40 yet. I could still meet someone this year.. or two years from now and still have a chance at getting pregnant. But soon the thoughts sour:

"or maybe you don't get married until you're 60"

"maybe you get married right after menopause and all you have are HIS kids"

"maybe you get married at 40 but then realize you can't get pregnant"

Because why not? After all, you're 36 and haven't found your "person" what makes you think God is going to give him to you this year or two years from now?

I wish I had hope. Some sign. But I know that's not how this works. I keep praying for God to help me trust Him - I want to trust Him. I know this life is short and if it's His will that I walk through it single, it will pass relatively quickly. But if that's the case, I'd prefer not to have these desires. Singleness is gift, however, that doesn't mean singles aren't taunted by desires that remained unfulfilled. I also pray that if singleness is His will, that He would give me purpose and meaning beyond my job. I enjoy my work - I really do. However, I do not want my life defined, nor consumed by it.

That's it for now. Off to clean the house while I wait.